Need sex. Gaining weight.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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