The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize