Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
