I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize