those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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