I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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