Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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