i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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