i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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