No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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