You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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