Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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