turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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