I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
