it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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