I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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