mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
