You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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