yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
