Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
