I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
