I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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