I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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