I accidentally burped into my bong.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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