Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
