Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
