do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
