My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
