I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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