Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
