I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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