I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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