Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The air was thick with penises
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
