Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
bring money and cleavage
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
