a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
