There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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