a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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