with your own penis?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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