I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
if only i could text you this smell
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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