Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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