Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
