so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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