Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
