I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
