I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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