I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
