What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
