so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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