Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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