hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
