I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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