if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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