Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
