i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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