Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize