i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
