awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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