If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
