everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize