We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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