glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
