There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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